My Problematic Fave: A juicy question with many answers: Catherine Breillat. Dollarama. Nina Simone's version of "I Loves You, Porgy" (it's not on Simone, she saves it from Gershwin, it's just the one I love). I would say Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives or Deconstructing Harry, but I think it's okay to enjoy those (so bleak and revealing, they are basically a confession), it's more problematic that I love Manhattan.
First Movie I went on a Date for: Sweet Home Alabama, a double date with my neighbourhood friend and two guys from another school we met hanging out (as teens do) after school hours at the playground. He thought I was crying during an emotional scene where Reese Witherspoon visits a grave in her hometown (A grandparent? Childhood dog?), but I was a cynical 14-year-old, and not then or now a Rom Com girl, and was trying to muffle my laughter.
My Movie/TV Character Style Icon: Julia Stiles in Hamlet, Kiera Knightley in Love, Actually, Satine in Moulin Rouge, Maggie Cheung and Nathalie Richard in Irma Vep.
The First Sex Scene I Ever Saw: I can't remember for sure, but probably Titanic.
… and it made me feel: Confused: it gave me absolutely no information on what sex actually is, only that there were certain signals I would one day understand (like the men who laugh knowingly when they see the fogged up windows). Also afraid: it seemed sex would always leave some trace, and you could not hide it from anyone. Also romantic: sex was fun and actually fine, no one was hurt by it or punished for it (although it did happen right before they hit the iceberg, but this was not a coincidence that my young mind internalized.)
Best Needle Drop: Most of the songs in Rushmore (but maybe "Oo La La" by The Faces the most). I didn't even know what those songs were when I watched it at 15, but I knew that they were perfect.
I Wish this Fictional Meal Existed IRL: This meal does exist, but I have never seen the timpano from Big Night out in the wild, and although it seems like something that is better in theory than in execution, I'm not sure I'll feel fully satisfied if I never try one.
Untouchable Classic that I hate: How do I even pick! Citizen Kane does very little for me (except Welles, who I find quite hot), 2001: A Space Odyssey is glacial and so British (I do think the scene approaching the monolith on the moon is fab), Bresson leaves me dry (a symptom, perhaps, of him casting actors because they're hot), I find Parasite shallow, I only like the scenes in Stalker before and after they go to the Zone, and I can't get past Jeanne Dielman's melodramatic ending (which became an irritating staple of art house film).
Celebrity I had on my wall as a teen
Frank Black Francis and Karen O.
My film/TV OTP is: I can't think of a time when I felt the ending of a film or show should have been different, I like when characters come together, I like when they fall apart.
The Reality TV Show I Would Win: I think it's obvious that my true place is not as a competitor, but as a judge.
What if I told you I could make you feel fourteen years old again? If that question conjures traumatic flashbacks of puberty and sounds more like a threat than a treat, please hear me out. I, Cleo, have devised this FUN, extremely scientific, better-than-Buzzfeed quiz to diagnose your teen flick genre.
This quiz promises to rival the drama of childhood classics such as the “Am I Gay?” quiz, capture the tension of disconnecting on Omegle right before the stranger whipped out their genitals, and assess with complete conviction if you’re more Clueless or Carrie.
Alright, now that you’re on board, let’s do this the old-school way: grab a pen (preferably, of the sparkly gel variety), a notebook, and lock in.
1. Who were you in high school?
A) If superlatives were honest, yours would’ve been “most sloshed”
B) Not the school shooter, but the school shooter’s only friend
C) Sure, you spent several summers at “space camp,” but you were also the one who brought weed and corrupted your brothers in tech
D) You once got your period during a school assembly and somehow made it everyone’s problem
E) The reason rape whistles were invented
F) You were making out, breaking up, and making up again, all before lunch
2. You find a disposable camera in your drawer. What’s on it?
A) Potential blackmail material on an entire guest list
B) Seven selfies of you crying, one of you eating yogurt
C) Photo of a wristwatch, the toaster, a subway train—with absolutely no regard for aesthetics or composition
D) An accidental photo of the inside of your tote bag, and a mirror selfie taken on your birthday
E) Blurry photos of your buds raising beers mid-cheers
F) Pictures of a dog wearing a bow tie
3. How do you like to ruin your life?
A) By being unserious—oh, and doing too much cocaine
B) Somehow, you always end up in the last place anybody should ever be
C) Aside from those few bad investments, you never make mistakes
D) You chase closure like it owes you money
E) By sincerely believing that the pros were within until that torn ACL
F) You’ll cut your bangs, text your ex, and ignore every red flag in your roster because they’re hot, and emotionally available… sometimes
4. If your friends were food, what would they be?
A) Nacho table. It’s a little gross, and yet totally irresistible
B) A jar of pickles you don’t remember opening, but are so relieved to find tucked inside your fridge when the late-night cravings hit
C) Soylent meal replacement beverage—not from this Mother Earth, and barely FDA approved
D) 7/11 Big Gulp. Way too sweet, slightly illegal once you spike it with the vodka in your flask, and absolutely essential to a night you’ll forever insist was iconic
E) Ziploc bag of an assorted trail mix. Lots of crunch, reliable fuel, and a surprise in every handful
F) A peanut butter and jelly sandwich—classic comfort food with a tendency to get messy
5. What’s your go-to excuse when you want to leave a party ASAP?
A) You promised some people you’d show up to this after-after party
B) Suddenly, you remember that you might’ve accidentally left your front door unlocked
C) You got a message alert from your smart fridge. Apparently, your freezer’s doing that thing where it tries to defrost all of a sudden
D) It’s getting late, and you have to wake up early to become the person you are
E) Your fantasy league group chat just lit up—something insane happened, and you need to catch the replay; you’ve got a crisp $50 on the line
F) You made eyes at someone cute. Suddenly, you’re both telling the host goodbye, and saying you’re leaving together to “get fries” (wink wink)
6. If your life were a movie, how would it end?
A) With glitter in your hair, heels in your hand, and right before the cops arrive
B) You’re bruised, bandaged, and severely haunted—but still alive.
C) The simulation collapses (just as you’d predicted)
D) Seconds before the sun comes up again
E) The crowd roars as you receive a massive, golden, diamond-encrusted trophy
F) In the rain, obviously. You’re soaking wet, out of breath, and kissing like it’s mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
If you answered mostly As... you’re the TEEN PARTY FLICK.
Although you’re pushing 30, you still feel a deep kinship with the characters of Superbad. You definitely attempted to recreate Project X at least once in college, and you’re forever chasing the high of controlled chaos—you know, the kind of night where everything goes wrong, yet somehow that’s the point? You might be Booksmart on the surface, but your soul is a total brat. You may live for the party, but you Can’t Hardly Wait for the morning after… and the day party after that.
If you answered mostly Bs… you’re the TEEN HORROR FLICK.
You’ve seen Scream enough times to know the rules for surviving a horror film. You know better than to duck into alleyways with sexy strangers, yell “Who is it?” in response to a strange noise late at night, and avoid sinful temptation. Still, you break the rules every time. You’ve got final girl energy and a penchant for emotional damage—bonus points if you have religious trauma and mommy issues, à la Carrie. There’s something sinister about the way you love to watch a tight-knit friend group completely unravel, especially when it’s over the ominous threat of something like I Know What You Did Last Summer. You believe Jennifer’s Body is a feminist masterpiece (correct), and you watched It Follows after the STI test came back positive for chlamydia.
If you answered mostly Cs… you’re the TEEN SCI-FI FLICK.
You’ve always been intrigued by the possibility of an alternate reality—whether it’s in a galaxy far, far away or inside your own Donnie Darko mind. Growing up, you fantasized about executing the horny misogynist plot of Weird Science and the glorious day your school bullies would report to you as their boss. Now, you work in Silicon Valley, contribute to the soulless automation of society, and quietly hold some questionable political views. At the end of the day, you’re a nerd. In your mind, you’re the reluctant hero of Chronicle, forever waiting for your powers to kick in.
If you answered mostly Ds… congratulations! You have an atrocious case of main character syndrome, because you’re the TEEN COMING-OF-AGE FLICK.
Lena Dunham is your problematic idol, and you definitely devise eccentricities—like, asking everyone to call you Lady Bird—just to appear more interesting. You’re usually the loudest person in the room, but that doesn’t mean you don’t resonate with The Perks of Being A Wallflower. You may have retired your old Tumblr, but that Stephen Chobosky quote about how “we accept the love we think we deserve” lingers in your mind along with the faint memories of your most recent situationship. Even now, part of you wants to run through the school halls as Simple Minds plays in the background, your fist in the air, misunderstood but triumphant. No matter your age, you remain on The Edge of Seventeen.
If you answered mostly Es… you’re the TEEN SPORTS FLICK.
You quote The Mighty Ducks dialogue like it’s a sacred text, and you’ve definitely pretended you could pull a last-second miracle straight out of Hoosiers. Let’s be honest, though, you’ve been feeling the Varsity Blues since your team’s championship run more than a decade ago. These days, you’re the washed-out former MVP still chasing that final buzzer, convinced that one day you’ll hit the winning shot—even if you’re mostly running the clock at this point. Was that a little harsh? Oops. Well, the good news is that you’re still virile, you can still crush a beer can with your head, and you still remember that Friday Night Lights moral—full eyes, clear hearts, won’t lose! Or whatever.
If you answered mostly Fs… you’re the TEEN ROM-COM—or, as some may call it, TOTALLY DELUSIONAL.
The goal was to go straight from your parents’ house to the sorority house to your husband’s mansion, but now, after a myriad of failed talking stages, you’re decidedly Clueless about your love life. You wince at the creepy teacher-student relationship in Never Been Kissed, and swoon over the tender romantic tension in the same breath, because you’ve never met a red flag you didn’t ignore! Like Say Anything’s Lloyd Dobler, you believe that holding a boombox over your head (or sliding into DMs) is the ultimate declaration of affection. Your heart’s a little bruised, your texts a bit overthought, but if 10 Things I Hate About You has taught you anything, it’s that sometimes the best love stories are born from the most complicated beginnings—and also that Heath Ledger is your dream man. Keep dreaming. For now, at least.
What if I told you I could make you feel fourteen years old again? If that question conjures traumatic flashbacks of puberty and sounds more like a threat than a treat, please hear me out. I, Cleo, have devised this FUN, extremely scientific, better-than-Buzzfeed quiz to diagnose your teen flick genre.
This quiz promises to rival the drama of childhood classics such as the “Am I Gay?” quiz, capture the tension of disconnecting on Omegle right before the stranger whipped out their genitals, and assess with complete conviction if you’re more Clueless or Carrie.
Alright, now that you’re on board, let’s do this the old-school way: grab a pen (preferably, of the sparkly gel variety), a notebook, and lock in.
1. Who were you in high school?
A) If superlatives were honest, yours would’ve been “most sloshed”
B) Not the school shooter, but the school shooter’s only friend
C) Sure, you spent several summers at “space camp,” but you were also the one who brought weed and corrupted your brothers in tech
D) You once got your period during a school assembly and somehow made it everyone’s problem
E) The reason rape whistles were invented
F) You were making out, breaking up, and making up again, all before lunch
2. You find a disposable camera in your drawer. What’s on it?
A) Potential blackmail material on an entire guest list
B) Seven selfies of you crying, one of you eating yogurt
C) Photo of a wristwatch, the toaster, a subway train—with absolutely no regard for aesthetics or composition
D) An accidental photo of the inside of your tote bag, and a mirror selfie taken on your birthday
E) Blurry photos of your buds raising beers mid-cheers
F) Pictures of a dog wearing a bow tie
3. How do you like to ruin your life?
A) By being unserious—oh, and doing too much cocaine
B) Somehow, you always end up in the last place anybody should ever be
C) Aside from those few bad investments, you never make mistakes
D) You chase closure like it owes you money
E) By sincerely believing that the pros were within until that torn ACL
F) You’ll cut your bangs, text your ex, and ignore every red flag in your roster because they’re hot, and emotionally available… sometimes
4. If your friends were food, what would they be?
A) Nacho table. It’s a little gross, and yet totally irresistible
B) A jar of pickles you don’t remember opening, but are so relieved to find tucked inside your fridge when the late-night cravings hit
C) Soylent meal replacement beverage—not from this Mother Earth, and barely FDA approved
D) 7/11 Big Gulp. Way too sweet, slightly illegal once you spike it with the vodka in your flask, and absolutely essential to a night you’ll forever insist was iconic
E) Ziploc bag of an assorted trail mix. Lots of crunch, reliable fuel, and a surprise in every handful
F) A peanut butter and jelly sandwich—classic comfort food with a tendency to get messy
5. What’s your go-to excuse when you want to leave a party ASAP?
A) You promised some people you’d show up to this after-after party
B) Suddenly, you remember that you might’ve accidentally left your front door unlocked
C) You got a message alert from your smart fridge. Apparently, your freezer’s doing that thing where it tries to defrost all of a sudden
D) It’s getting late, and you have to wake up early to become the person you are
E) Your fantasy league group chat just lit up—something insane happened, and you need to catch the replay; you’ve got a crisp $50 on the line
F) You made eyes at someone cute. Suddenly, you’re both telling the host goodbye, and saying you’re leaving together to “get fries” (wink wink)
6. If your life were a movie, how would it end?
A) With glitter in your hair, heels in your hand, and right before the cops arrive
B) You’re bruised, bandaged, and severely haunted—but still alive.
C) The simulation collapses (just as you’d predicted)
D) Seconds before the sun comes up again
E) The crowd roars as you receive a massive, golden, diamond-encrusted trophy
F) In the rain, obviously. You’re soaking wet, out of breath, and kissing like it’s mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
If you answered mostly As... you’re the TEEN PARTY FLICK.
Although you’re pushing 30, you still feel a deep kinship with the characters of Superbad. You definitely attempted to recreate Project X at least once in college, and you’re forever chasing the high of controlled chaos—you know, the kind of night where everything goes wrong, yet somehow that’s the point? You might be Booksmart on the surface, but your soul is a total brat. You may live for the party, but you Can’t Hardly Wait for the morning after… and the day party after that.
If you answered mostly Bs… you’re the TEEN HORROR FLICK.
You’ve seen Scream enough times to know the rules for surviving a horror film. You know better than to duck into alleyways with sexy strangers, yell “Who is it?” in response to a strange noise late at night, and avoid sinful temptation. Still, you break the rules every time. You’ve got final girl energy and a penchant for emotional damage—bonus points if you have religious trauma and mommy issues, à la Carrie. There’s something sinister about the way you love to watch a tight-knit friend group completely unravel, especially when it’s over the ominous threat of something like I Know What You Did Last Summer. You believe Jennifer’s Body is a feminist masterpiece (correct), and you watched It Follows after the STI test came back positive for chlamydia.
If you answered mostly Cs… you’re the TEEN SCI-FI FLICK.
You’ve always been intrigued by the possibility of an alternate reality—whether it’s in a galaxy far, far away or inside your own Donnie Darko mind. Growing up, you fantasized about executing the horny misogynist plot of Weird Science and the glorious day your school bullies would report to you as their boss. Now, you work in Silicon Valley, contribute to the soulless automation of society, and quietly hold some questionable political views. At the end of the day, you’re a nerd. In your mind, you’re the reluctant hero of Chronicle, forever waiting for your powers to kick in.
If you answered mostly Ds… congratulations! You have an atrocious case of main character syndrome, because you’re the TEEN COMING-OF-AGE FLICK.
Lena Dunham is your problematic idol, and you definitely devise eccentricities—like, asking everyone to call you Lady Bird—just to appear more interesting. You’re usually the loudest person in the room, but that doesn’t mean you don’t resonate with The Perks of Being A Wallflower. You may have retired your old Tumblr, but that Stephen Chobosky quote about how “we accept the love we think we deserve” lingers in your mind along with the faint memories of your most recent situationship. Even now, part of you wants to run through the school halls as Simple Minds plays in the background, your fist in the air, misunderstood but triumphant. No matter your age, you remain on The Edge of Seventeen.
If you answered mostly Es… you’re the TEEN SPORTS FLICK.
You quote The Mighty Ducks dialogue like it’s a sacred text, and you’ve definitely pretended you could pull a last-second miracle straight out of Hoosiers. Let’s be honest, though, you’ve been feeling the Varsity Blues since your team’s championship run more than a decade ago. These days, you’re the washed-out former MVP still chasing that final buzzer, convinced that one day you’ll hit the winning shot—even if you’re mostly running the clock at this point. Was that a little harsh? Oops. Well, the good news is that you’re still virile, you can still crush a beer can with your head, and you still remember that Friday Night Lights moral—full eyes, clear hearts, won’t lose! Or whatever.
If you answered mostly Fs… you’re the TEEN ROM-COM—or, as some may call it, TOTALLY DELUSIONAL.
The goal was to go straight from your parents’ house to the sorority house to your husband’s mansion, but now, after a myriad of failed talking stages, you’re decidedly Clueless about your love life. You wince at the creepy teacher-student relationship in Never Been Kissed, and swoon over the tender romantic tension in the same breath, because you’ve never met a red flag you didn’t ignore! Like Say Anything’s Lloyd Dobler, you believe that holding a boombox over your head (or sliding into DMs) is the ultimate declaration of affection. Your heart’s a little bruised, your texts a bit overthought, but if 10 Things I Hate About You has taught you anything, it’s that sometimes the best love stories are born from the most complicated beginnings—and also that Heath Ledger is your dream man. Keep dreaming. For now, at least.